My life unravelled when my husband died. These are the threads of my life:- ramblings, poems, song lyrics, Bible verses. And this is how I'm trying to knit them back together...
If you have landed here by chance, or perhaps read my whole story I want to take you to the next chapter.
This blog, started 13 years ago, was only the beginning. I was encouraged from the start to put my words into a book to help others. It was a much longer path that I could ever have imagined, but in January 2024 I achieved it.
So much has happened in the intervening years, so much blogging, so many tears but also lots of laughter.
I've just popped back here to let you know where you can find me now.
I always knew there would be one final post on here before I leave this blog and this chapter behind.
I always knew the words I would leave with you were not words I had written but words written by the man I had the priviledge to call my husband.
He frustrated me, he challenged me, he loved me and he cared for me.
Today would have been his 51st birthday... and this seems fitting to share again as my final unravelling-edges post.
Whereas I see my life in knitting and stitching terms or use writing analogies Andrew had a whole other ways of looking at "stuff" and making sense of the world...
The Parable of
the Scalextric Car came to me in a dream when I was in work feeling pretty
low. I’d applied for a new job with the same company in Denmark and I’d
just found out they’d offered it to someone else. I think God was
speaking to me saying,
“Hello Andrew you need to read your Bible
and pray a lot more.”
Plus more
besides. In the dream I was speaking in the toy service at church giving
the children’s talk. Which I did, but now I would like to share a bit
more. The pastor said it was long enough for a whole sermon.
It’s no secret
that we are having a Scalextric set for Christmas which is probably why God
chose to speak to me in these terms.
A brand new car
looks pretty good but admiring it is no good. The car was designed to go
round a track; it has a motor inside. What we need to make it go is POWER
(in this case 12v dc).
Now as
Christians God did not make us to be looked at (although some are better
looking than others are). We also have a purpose far, far more important
than looks and like this car we need POWER to perform our Christian
functions. So as Christians how do we get POWER?
We need to
pray. Prayer is like the power to the car. We will not move in our
Christian lives until we have POWER, this car will not go until it has POWER.
So we become a
Christian and we start to pray. We have POWER and we start to function in
our Christian lives as God designed us to do. As the Scalextric car will
start to move once it has POWER fed up through the pick-up braids.
So the crowds
are cheering as we head off down the pit straight. We gain loadsa
speed. But some of the stewards are shaking their heads. OH NO
there may be trouble ahead (did someone write a song about that?) because fast
approaching is the first bend and the car is travelling far, far too fast and
it disconnects from the power supplied through the track and heads towards the
living room carpet. OH DEAR!
Now part of my
job in work is accident investigation – come on in Morse, Sherlock and Miss
Marple. Let’s do an accident investigation into why the Scalextric car
left the track.
For the purposes
of this we assume that our onsite investigators have found no defects in the
track, the car of any equipment failure what so ever. There was no oil on
the track. So why did the scalextric car crash?
Well the
immediate cause is that it was travelling too fast. But now in accident
investigation we have to find out why. Underlying causes.
The driver did
not want to come off the track onto the living room carpet so why did it
happen? Why did the driver make that error?
Well the
conclusion of my accident investigation is lack of driving experience on the
part of the driver. So how do you get that experience to make it round
the first bend?
One way is to
read the instruction manual or we could talk to people who have done it before
perhaps many times. Learn by other people’s mistakes is often the best
way.
So back to our
new Christian who has now hit the first problem in their Christian life and has
left the Christian ways. How can we prevent this?
Well firstly in
our Christian lives we have to read the instruction manual. What has God
provided as our instruction manual? The BIBLE. Pretty big, loadsa
small print; HELP where do I start? MORE HELP required.
I’m sure there
will be by now a computer based Bible with a help button but that can only go
so far. So now it’s up to the stewards, the people in the church to
help. Between us in the church we have thousands of hours of Christian
experience that we should be able to access for help.
We had the Alpha
Course to help and then the Beta Course in this church. I cannot wait
until we have the Charlie Course. I think that one will appeal to me
somehow. Can you imagine the a large sign up at the station “Be a Charlie
– go to a church near you”? That would have the local commuters thinking
as they wait for their train.
So back to the
Scalextric car on the living room carpet. How can we get it back on the
track? Well the stewards can push it back or a huge hand from the sky can
come along (the hand of God) and reconnect it to the power – praise God.
But sadly some
cars do not make it back onto the track; they get broken and never return to
function as designed. As some Christians leave the church and never
return. We see it so many times so the best way to deal with this is to
be prepared for that first bend. Read the instruction manual, get advice
from other Christians (the stewards) and hopefully we will stay connected to
the power.
Now there are
Christians who have been coming to church for many many years. They are
good at going around the Christian racetrack with many laps of
experience. But you still have to pray because without prayer you will
stop and then you will look pretty stupid, as a Scalextric car will stop on the
track without power. The crowd will wonder what’s going on and start
shouting.
Also you will
have to read the instruction manual but you have to find all the small print to
increase your lap times to get better at going round.
God has given us
a fast Formula 1 car. It takes some getting used to as there are lots of
controls. Please do not be happy driving it as the family saloon as I
think I may have been doing for many years. When we start leaning to
drive a motor car most people can make it go by putting it in gear and
releasing the clutch but it is important to know where the brake is. You
have to read the instructions and gain experience and read the highway code.
As we get
competent with the basic controls life in the car becomes far more comfortable,
like when we learn to operate some great devices like the heater. That’s
the same with our Christian life, whilst the Christian message is very simple
it makes life a lot easier when we have a greater knowledge of how God
works. And looking at the instruction manual for the Christian life I
would say there is at least one lifetime’s reading to get through it all and
more importantly understand it all.
So I ask you how
good is you Christian power supply, are your pick up braids in good
condition? Are you getting full power in your life? Are you praying
if not you will stop. Are you reading the instruction manual? Are
your lap times increasing and are you getting better at handling the curves?
There are not many posts I want to share again, at least not like this reposting and adding an up to date comment. The days of unravelling-edges are numbered and soon it will just be here as an archive documenting my raw thoughts and feeling as they happened over the first 2 years of being a widow.
I am proud of what I have achieved here, I never knew at the beginning just how it would end or even if I would continue, it could have been a passing phase that I grew out of!
I have learned a lot about myself, about grief and the grieving process, I have grown in many ways not least as a writer.
This post was written when I'd just added re-ravelling to my blog family in a time when I unravelled and re-ravelled, backwards and forwards at an alarming rate. Now I hope I am a bit more settled, contented and more at peace with life. It has taken a while and I still know there is a way to go.
There's possibly one more re-post to add but for now take a look back with me into my thoughts and feeling from a year ago.
Now I have two blogs on the go I am always flitting between
the two.
Re-ravelling for those short
quirky posts of making sense of my new life and putting the pieces back
together.
Unravelling-edges for the days
when I come a bit undone and feel more reflective.
Well you can see from the top of the page where this is
placed, it is perhaps an indicator of my current mood.
As is always the case those potentially difficult days you
plan for are the ones that pass smoothly and it’s the odd days in between which
trip you up.
The anniversary of Andrew’s death passed by peacefully; as I
wrote last time I was surrounded by love and only shed a few tears. However now my parents have gone home and it’s
once more just the three of us the emotions have kicked in with a vengeance.
What undid me yesterday was a cuddle with oldest son. It was about 9 a.m. and we were all still in
our pyjamas but he had Andrew’s old dressing gown over the top. I wore it myself for the first few weeks but
then bequeathed it to oldest son and I love to see him in it. Snuggling back into the soft towelling when I
was already feeling sorry for myself, well I won’t say it was a bad idea but
all the heartache came flooding back.
Especially as oldest son’s shoulder is about the same height as his dad’s
and my head rested perfectly.
I had to let him go. Then I went and curled up sobbing in a
heap on the bathroom floor.
I have been so busy recently and am absolutely
exhausted. This is already a busy time
of year. We have three birthdays to get
through before Christmas!
Andrew would have been 50 next Sunday. I’ve planned a party and am now so glad a lot
of friends can’t make it, does that sound awful? It means I don’t have to go to so much
trouble and it takes away a lot of self-imposed pressure to host a perfect
party.
When Andrew was 45 we had a “bring a 45 party”. Once again not many people came and actually
that’s just how he liked it. He was
never one to like a fuss whereas I always wanted a surprise and was always
disappointed and let down by the lack of Andrew’s imagination.
I’m really not getting stressed but I have so many other
plans for the week too and wonder where I will find the time to fit everything
in.
That is the real problem.
I have to effectively knit quicker, to use a craft analogy that fits my
title.
I am not a proficient knitter but very slow and steady, having
to repeat the mantra “in, round, through and off” with nearly every stitch! Consequently my knitting is generally neat,
but teach me a new stitch and it goes haywire. And I can get muddled if I try and go a bit
quicker or pay too much attention to the TV at the same time – how do people
knit without looking and natter and keep abreast with the goings on in
Coronation Street?
Sewing is a skill I am much better at. However sometimes I can be too cocky and
heavy footed with the sewing machine pedal and then what happens? I make mistakes and have to unpick the whole
blinking lot and it takes three times as long.
This is my unravelling at the moment. Going too quick and not taking my time. Filling my days with long “to do” lists and
unrealistic targets.
Is it better to keep busy?
It only keeps the pain at bay so long.
Yesterday I unravelled the furthest I have for a long time,
but then after the anniversary I think it was overdue and bound to happen.
I spent the day doing the things I wanted, a couple of loads
of washing out of necessity but otherwise I chilled out and although I made it
to church I never even got inside the front door, it was just too much effort.
Some days you just have to take one step or stich at a time
and recognise that each one is a huge achievement.
I've been pondering what to repost today and finally decided on this, the words I had to say at Andrew's funeral.
But I am getting more clever and adventurous with this blogging stuff and I am add a few extras...
Starting with this - the theme song we entered the church to
You may have been very surprised today that we
came in to the theme tune to the cricket and thought, well I never knew
Andrew was a cricket fan – well he wasn’t! He always said it would be a
jolly piece of music for his funeral! As you leave we have a gift for
you, just something else we had already planned in jest. But sorry
Andrew two songs never made the play list –“ Fool if you think it’s
over” by Chris Rea and “When will I see you again?” by the Supremes.
Although the more I think about them the more they seem appropriate too,
but then we could be here ‘til midnight!
Andrew sometimes got called Mr Grumpy, not least by me and the boys.
There was quite a list of things he didn’t like…..
Words like buy, purchase and spend.
Traffic jams and slow drivers in the fast lane. Airport security.
Caravans. He hated wearing a shirt and tie, although he wore one on our
first date to impress me.
In church he could never understand why we had to sing the words to songs more than once “didn’t God hear the first time?”
One of his biggest pet hates was dull services or meetings. He had his own expression
“it was enough to bore the udders off a herd of cows”
(Only he didn’t actually use the word “udders”)
He
would sit beside me in church whispering “boing, boing” apparently the
noise udders make when they bounce. I would dig him in the ribs but
silently giggle.
He believed church should be alive and had aspirations
of filling this place with young people and holding a Christian rock
concert Putting on a big event to show the youngsters in this area how
exciting God could be.
His faith was very private and personal
but no less real. He worshipped God by “doing” things. His domain was
the media desk by the door and woe betide any vicar who ran off with the
media key in his pocket! Or any inept person who fiddled with all the
switches - “why can’t people leave things alone?” “Aborigines and jet
engines” was another favourite saying.
Just as much as being at the back of
church he loved being at the front, it was being in the middle he found
difficult to cope with, he couldn’t sit still and would always be
thinking how he would do things differently! We’d talk later about how
together we could do it “better”!
The last time he stood here he did the
Bible reading. It was a Bible reading like no other as he read the
story in his own style. It was the story of Jesus casting out a legion
of demons into a herd of pigs. He finished by saying and it’s all true –
no porkies! The reading was accompanied by a power point using the
Brick Testament, Bible stories told with pictures of Lego people.
The
children, and it must be said adults too, sat rapt with attention. So
many people have commented to me in their cards and messages how
wonderful he was that morning.
Other things Andrew liked…
The word adequate, purple quality
street, crispy cakes, mars bars and coca cola! He loved driving buses,
somehow the traffic never phased him behind the wheel of a bus. He
liked his train set – sorry that should bemodel railway. He loved his
big house and garden
He loved disappearing upstairs into his
den where he pretended to be a DJ sat at the mixing desk. It was a
couple of days before I got upstairs and the turntable was still
spinning. We’d sit together finding tracks we liked and getting the
other one to guess who the artist was.
Because of his love of broadcasting I
believe he was rare off shore because he actually like doing the tannoy
announcements. We would even work on ideas at home of how to make the
mundane ones sound more interesting. Like the tannoy that started “It
is a truth universally acknowledged….” And if anyone can remember how
that ended please let me know as I only remember the Jane Austen
beginning.
How I wish I'd bought him this!
Andrew liked magnolia paint but I think I
may have converted him to “dusted fondant”. That’s off the Dulux
colour chart. His tea was white, no sugar, weak and milky, a light
brown oak, off the Ronseal colour chart!
After taking the children to school, a
car load for me and bus load for him, we liked doing the crossword
together and either we were getting very good at it or the crossword on
the back of the daily mail was getting easier!
He loved belonging to the church family
here. He’d found somewhere where he fitted in, he could be useful and
everyone seemed to understand his unique sense of humour.
He loved his family, although he didn’t always show it and especially loved our two boys.
And I know he loved me, every day he
would ask, more than once, “have I told you I love you today?” He rang
every day without fail from the platform and I would get anxious if I
missed more than one phone call. The message on the answer phone went
“hello it’s just me looking for you.”
It’s been difficult to sleep since he’s
gone and on my first sleepless night I decided what to wear today. When
I wore this Tshirt he would say “someone who loves you very much must
have bought you that Tshirt!”
On my second sleepless night I decided what he should wear. Jeans and a Tshirt obviously!
Just as Andrew bought me my Tshirt, so
the boys and I bought his for him. We got it at New Wine and it has a
bus on it! But it also has a slogan and Andrew’s everyday T shirts had
to be plain so he had never worn it. He said “I’ll wear it one day!”
Today seems as appropriate as any.
It’s a micky take on the bus adverts around a few years ago that began “There probably isn’t a God….
But Andrew didn’t agree and his T shirt says
“ There positively is a God,
now stop worrying
and enjoy your life”
So that's what I said and there probably isn't a lot else to add.
I have added a photo of Andrew and the bus picture to my facebook page today.We gave out cards with the bus on as people left along with a Quality Street chocolate, some deliberately took a purple one, while others chose something different.
I still see plently of the little cards around, with Andrew's name and dates on. Oldest son and I have just been discussing where we see them, one family keeps it on fridge, its on a pinboard in another house in the downstairs loo. Several made their way into purses and wallets. A keepsake, a reminder.
Andrew is still everywhere, all around. I remember him in a song, a chocolate bar or a cup of very milky tea.
Some people look to the heavens to find their loved one, the stars in the night sky. Well last night I dreamed of stars, swirling and dancing around me like snowflakes caught in headlights.
Each one was love and prayers and thoughts for us today, thank you for every speck of starlight you have sent our way. That light has been enough to help guide us on this journey, they mean so much.
Van Morrison - Have I told you lately. I think this was the last ever song Andrew played on his iPod and I have included this because we played it at the private family cremation service and I couldn't leave without making you cry one final time!
It's been a strange day in many ways. For the first time I took Andrew's mum to the place where we scattered Andrew's ashes.
I can easily deal with my own grief now, it fits like a comfy pair of well worn in shoes but other people's grief is a different matter.
It wasn't easy to watch my mother-in-law and my sons lost in their own private thoughts exploring and wandering the desolate place where Andrew rests or more likely forever swirls on the breeze.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry on demand because it might be expected of me, the widow, but I was glad that the low sun in the sky gave me a reason to hide my eyes behind my sunglasses as a few tears emerged on our drive home.
The funny thing was I had been speaking to Andrew this morning, alone as I drove home from taking oldest son to tennis. I don't need a special place to go and know he is always with me swirling in my thoughts, somewhere, usually just beyond my reach. I've always found talking to him now strangely unnatural so it's not something I do very often.
I've just surprised myself with the words I've written and shared. I am doing NaNoWriMo at the moment, writing a whole novel or 50,000 words in a month.
Non writing friends are flabbergasted that such a task could be done whereas for me writing and playing with words is as natural as breathing.
But this time last year I wrote a post about a day when even I had no words and no answers. And it's worth sharing again at this time of the year...
When There Are No Words (originally posted 10th November 2011)
We have
reached that “time of year”.
I think
it shall always be called that now, in hushed reverential tones with a knowing
look. An unsettling time of remembering
exactly what we were doing this time in November 2010.
Ushered in
by the first falling of leaves to the explosions of fireworks on the fifth and
building to a crescendo by Remembrance Sunday – how fitting.
Last year’s
bonfire night was spent with friends in the garden. It was something we had done quite often over
the years with various groups of people that will never be the norm again. Andrew wandering around the house beforehand cursing
the fact he can’t find a torch that works then finally striding off in his big
work coat, box of fireworks in one hand and loose matches jangling in his
pocket where they had fallen free.
It’s
strange what sticks in your head but I’ll always remember that rattle of
matches. It makes me smile to think of all
the fires he lit, the one that very nearly got out of hand and burnt the garden
fence. It was my turn to tease him for a
change!
This year
we spent November 5th with the same group of friends as last year. Although there are some welcome new
additions. Two more families have joined
our group and Andrew would have enjoyed the banter and repartee after the fireworks.
It’s so
good to laugh and take pleasure from the happy times together.
Now of
course we are heading for another weekend and the first anniversary of Andrew’s
death. Most of the time I am quite calm and
philosophical about it. In some ways isn’t
it just another day? I could never
understand all this fuss about NOT making big decisions in the first year. The sharp intake of breath when I announced I
had put the house on the market six months in.
As it is we are still here – crisis averted. But I have had a few wobbles of late.
Last night
I was talking to youngest son as I tucked him into bed. We’d had a minor falling out earlier in the
evening. He wouldn’t do as he was told,
I crumpled and the enormity of the task of bringing up two boys on my own hit
hard made worse by lack of sleep and waking every morning at six since we
changed the clocks.
By bedtime
we were on a more even footing and I was trying to reason with him.
“Grandma
and Grandad are coming on Friday.”
“Why do we
have to have the bossy people staying?”
He has his
dad’s way of seeing the world, being blunt and forthright, some might say rude. Although he loves his grandparents deeply
they do tend to be stricter than me and won’t let him get away with so much,
especially now when they know how tired and frustrated I can get. I am sure it probably should be the other way
round. It takes a lot of energy to set
boundaries and keep discipline going on your own.
“I need my Mum
and Dad here to help me.”
His next
comment cut to the core.
“That’s not
fair. I don’t have a Dad anymore.”
What could
I say?
He cried
softly as he clung to me and I offered him my bed to sleep in beside me but he
refused and finally, reluctanly let me go.
It is so
unfair that my Dad is here and his is gone.
I don’t know what I’ll do when one day I lose my own father. Our relationship has grown this year as I
have become more reliant on him and lapsed back into being his little girl. A father’s love and comfort is irreplaceable.
Youngest
son is still such a little boy and it makes me cry to think of all the things he
will miss out on as he grows up.
This "time
of year" is difficult for not just me but all of us. We have all lost so much and this is our time to remember.
Sometimes
there are no words. If I can find none
to say to my own son then maybe you can’t find them either.
I have to tell you that just
knowing someone is out there and they care is all I need; I hope and pray that
works for the boys too.
A smile, a hug,
a knowing look could be enough to help us through this “time of year”.
This morning I have been helping out a friend in need but I could only do so because another friend helped me out by looking after youngest son, or at least making sure he came to no harm and was occupied.
Our lives are intertwined and I am grateful to have friends with such listening ears available to me when I need them. On the flip side few things beat that feeling when you have put yourself out to help someone and you know you've made a real difference.
About a year ago I found a word search puzzle on my facebook feed, the words it contained sparked this little post below...and explain what I am trying to say here so much more eloquently!
unravelling edges: Dependent: My friend posted this picture on her facebook page the other day. The first four words you spot in the word search are supposed ...
