Sunday, 6 February 2011

In My Wildest Dreams....

I’ve written a lot about how plans go astray and the futility of planning but as a birthday treat to me I have decided to write my secret plans and aspirations.  These are my wildest wishes, my fanciful fantasies that see me through the darkest days…

Eventually this blog will attract so many followers that I become an overnight sensation.   A book deal inevitably follows and a guest appearance on the Graham Norton Show.  (It always used to be Friday Night with Jonathan Ross – so there’s a clue to how long parts of this daydream have been in my head!)

My fellow guests for the evening will be:-

·         007 - Daniel Craig - we were born in the same year so obviously we will instantly be friends forever! 

·         James May from Top Gear – the presenter most like Andrew so I’ve always had a soft spot for him!

·         The Killers – all 4 of them will also squeeze on the sofa with us and provide the music at the end of the show.  They will sing “A Dustland Fairytale” especially for me!

An eclectic mix I know.  I can almost hear Andrew laughing from heaven and making comments about my obsessions!!

I always wanted to be famous enough to be the “Star in the Reasonably Priced Car” on Top Gear but as in this fantasy I have already met James May I will aim slightly higher.

There will be an invitation to compete on “Strictly Come Dancing” where I will dance the Argentine Tango in a sparkly dress with a sexy dancer to tremendous applause.  I’m not too bothered if I win the series and lift the glitter-ball trophy but I want to be on the show long enough to dance the tango.

After the gruelling schedule of training for “Strictly” I will be physically in tip top condition and ready to play the next Bond girl – opposite my new best friend Daniel Craig.

Our mutual friends, The Killers, will write the theme song for the movie and there will be the most amazing guitar solo in the middle.

FACT:  my favourite Mr Men book as a child was Mr Daydream? 

I’ve always had a very active imagination and this daydream is a refined version of one that’s been running in my head for years.  The basic premise is the same – girl writes book, makes a movie, gets noticed, lives happily ever after.

There were plenty of versions where Andrew was beside me.  At the premiere of my film he would sneak in the back door to avoid the red carpet razzmatazz but he would still sit beside me and hold my hand in the dark watching the movie of my novel.  

But the really scary thing is that there was a version where I thought if Andrew died I’d write a diary of my life without him with a view to getting it published.

There’s a line in the T’pau song "China in Your Hands" – 

“a prophesy for a fantasy, the curse of a vivid mind.”

Now I really am being honest and sharing my darkest thoughts.

About a year before Andrew died when we were in church one Sunday morning, our vicar at the time offered to pray individually with each of the congregation.  We each went forward and knelt at the altar rail as we would do for communion.  He laid a hand on each head in turn and every prayer was personal.

Now I can’t remember what he prayed over me and I’m sure he can’t remember either.  What I do recall is this overwhelming sense that something was coming in the following year that would knock me flying and shake my whole world.

So much happened in 2010 and with hindsight I feel it was all building up to Andrew’s sudden death.  As I’ve written before I don’t believe that God causes the bad stuff to happen although he allows it.  His timing is perfect and through all the pain I know He has been there in the centre putting the right people in my path to help me cope.  

I also know He has used me in my current weakness to reach out and touch others.  God is so amazing and gracious and my faith is as strong as ever.

We will never see or understand the whole picture this side of heaven.  Faith is believing God is there despite the pain.  And one day I will be reunited with Andrew and we will know what it was all about.

So is there a point to my daydreams, my plans, my wishful thinking…?

At the funeral we sang a song 

When all my dreams have turned to dust
In you oh Lord I put my trust

All my dreams are dust, blowing in the wind, sent out into cyber space on this blog.  You are welcome to laugh at them.  Realistically the chances of them ever coming true are infinitesimally small.  

This is what God has to say…

My child, remember my teachings and instructions and obey them completely.
They will help you live a long and prosperous life
Let love and loyalty always show like a necklace, and write them in your mind.
God and people will like you and consider you a success.
With all your heart you must trust in the Lord and not your own judgement.
Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow.

Proverbs chapter 3 verses 1 – 6

I was only going to write the last couple of lines.  They are the only verses underlined in Andrew’s Bible – I underlined them for him.  This morning in the early hours a friend sent me a text with the same verses and I knew I had to type up this post.  It’s been hand written for so long waiting for the opportunity to type it up.

Now what strikes me is the line before “God and people will like you and consider you a success.”  That’s what daydreams are all about, turning our everyday lives into more “successful” ones where we are loved and adored.

God’s reality is different from ours and it doesn’t matter what my daydreams are God’s plans for me are even better than I can imagine.

All I have to do is trust.

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