Wednesday, 31 August 2011

“What are we waiting for?”

I never had a romantic marriage proposal from Andrew.  He never got down on one knee swearing undying love for me as it happens in the movies!

Maybe I’ve written about this before.  Sometimes I can’t remember what I’ve written and what I’ve said to people.  It becomes a blur but there’s a point to retelling this story now so please bear with me.

We started going out in late December of 1992 and our love for each other grew through 1993.  I think we always knew it was very serious, we’d both waited a long time for this. 

Andrew was 31 and it had been almost ten years since he had been briefly engaged.  It all ended rather acrimoniously and it had taken him a long time to soften enough to allow anyone special into his life.

Meanwhile I turned 25 in the February of ’93 and had never really had a boyfriend.

We knew this was serious because even from the beginning we spent so much time together.  Andrew was already ringing me constantly when he was away.  I would visit his mum and dad even when he wasn’t around.  We’d chosen a picture together for Andrew’s new house and a dining room table and chairs!  That was all before Easter!

As our relationship drifted blissfully along we’d tentatively talk about where this was going.  It went something like this….

“….if we are still together at Christmas….”

The end of the sentence hung in the air but we knew the unspoken ending was 
“…we will get engaged.”

We made it to the end of August and suddenly we changed the sentence.

“What are we waiting for?”

It made no sense to hang on so we started telling everyone we had decided to get married.  Therefore we were engaged.

“But where’s your ring?”  Said a girl I worked with.  She had just had her planned engagement party and was showing her sparkly diamond off.

“I haven’t got one yet but we’ve decided to get married so we’re engaged!”

It made perfect sense to me but maybe I’d stolen some of her thunder and she didn’t like it.

I’ve made lots of decisions lately.  Making the decision is one thing, carrying it out is another!

This month I’ve driven to London, changed the car and today I have removed Andrew’s profile from Facebook.

Each has been a big step, or two steps, deciding and then acting.

With the Facebook page I had decided to leave it until November, until the anniversary but…
What am I waiting for?

A year is an arbitrary figure and at the end of the day this is something that makes little difference to the outside world.  I don’t suppose most people will even notice his absence on the social network.  Andrew was never one to share much with anyone.  We both joined a couple of years ago so we knew what it was all about when the boys were old enough to have their own accounts.

Removing Andrew’s profile wasn’t an easy task, not from an emotional point of view but it was difficult to figure out where to find the deactivate button!  It’s hidden somewhere in “settings” or something like that.  I think the frustration of trying to find it made me more determined to follow it through.

For me it is another step forward especially as I have also changed my marital status to “widowed”.  Although the word “widowed” doesn’t appear in my dictionary or the computer spellchecker it is true.  I am just thankful that Facebook didn’t add a little red heart in the news feed to announce it to everyone like they usually do with a change of relationship!

The other day I was feeling down when I wrote.  Today I feel more positive and able.  I’m still heading in the right direction even if this route is not one I would have chosen.

I’m still moving forward and “getting there”- wherever “there” may be!

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