and it’s gone
Little by little it fritters away
Try as you may you can never replace it
A moment of beauty you stumble upon
As long as you treasure whatever it is
Whatever it is can never be wasted
So if we all turn to dust
Better to have loved and lost
Cause everything has a cost
So if you’re gonna spend time
Spend it upon me
Just give me your time
Don’t take it from me
Such beautiful words but unfortunately not mine. Just another set of borrowed lyrics – the song is "Time" by Ben’s Brother.
I half joked at the end of last year that I was so busy with Christmas and birthdays that I’d pencilled a “nervous breakdown” in my diary for January.
Yesterday was the first day I allowed myself the luxury of some time to fall apart.
Only “some” time because inevitably there were other people who NEEDED me!
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple of days arranging some temporary respite care for Andrew’s mum. She can’t carry on on her own at this time and because of circumstances and geography I am the person she relies on most.
Respite is not just for her so she can get well but it’s a breathing space for me, to stop me worrying so much about her.
I have enough on my plate and everyone is always telling me to be kind to myself – well can someone tell me how that works?
I am a “stay at home mum” (SAHM – a blog speak acronym I’ve found since I’ve started this!). It’s what I’ve always wanted. Andrew worked hard to give me the luxury of time with the children and time to devote myself to the things I consider important.
But there is a huge downside – you are literally “on call” 24/7. There is NO time off. Everything I do is voluntary and if I say NO I’m letting someone down I care about.
If I had a job I could so easily take time off. My employer would understand my circumstances and allow me leave. Other people would understand and not ask me to do things.
Yesterday I really missed my best friend. Despite the fact I felt he was so close agreeing with my every thought.
It feels like he is just away at the moment and I long for the next phone conversation to catch up on the day’s events.
I’ve cried so many times and yet I know there are still so many tears bottled up inside just waiting until I have the time to cry them. That space when I am on my own and no one NEEDS me.
A short time before Andrew died I had a bit of a confidence crisis. I’d written a short story for a competition and I’d just had the rejection letter. Once again my dreams were crumbling.
Then I had this unsettled feeling of what would happen if Andrew was away and I was taken ill or had and accident? Who would look after the boys and do all the things I do?
“I just need a hug.” I told Andrew. So we spent a whole afternoon curled up under the duvet. Such a treasured time - just being so close. He hugged away my fears, made me feel whole again and ready to face the world.
My oldest son gave me a hug this morning. So lovely and reassuring but I worry that he is trying too much to protect me and not share his feelings with me. I know he’s hurting too.
Also this morning my youngest son came into my room while he thought I was still asleep and whispered “I love you mummy. I really do.”
It was so gentle and heartfelt so reminiscent of the special times I’d spent with Andrew.
They are little pieces of their dad and sometimes I don’t know how we will make it through.
People say time heals.
Yesterday another widow told me time helps.
Yet another widow told me this week via an email that it’s the time you spend alone that’s ends up being the most healing.
I don’t want to shut myself away from people but maybe every now and then I need to close the doors and put up a sign –KEEP OUT!
I know there’s no easy way for the outside world to know which mood I’m in.
If I get snappy maybe it's best to leave me alone. There are things I need to deal with on my own.
Please be patient and above all else - give me time….
I’ll end with more "time" related song lyrics. This time James Blunt ”If Time is all I Have”.
If time is all I have
I’ll waste it all on you
Each day I’ll turn it back
It’s what the broken hearted do
I’m tired of talking to an empty space
Of silences keeping me awake
Won’t you say my name - one time