A year ago I wrote and posted this "sort of" poem about all the things I should be doing but just don't have the time or inclination to complete. Also about the impossible things on my list that I will never achieve and how the "shoulds" and the "nevers" merge into one...
Here I sit a year on and wonder how much has changed, some days are still a hard slog. I could make the excuse that our wedding anniversary is coming around soon, so it is another difficult time of the year, but it would be an excuse, grief has so many ups and downs not always connected to dates or seasons. Sometimes it has more to do with the weather!
Today, this year, I have nearly reached the bottom of my ironing pile, have written a letter and posted a birthday card and present. I also finished the crossword with youngest son, otherwise I have not been at my most productive. There are lots of things I "should" have done with my free day.
I wonder what I will be doing this time next year? How much my life will have changed or if I will still only be moving in baby steps, unsure and uncertain...
Today I wrote a Poem That Didn't Rhyme...
(posted 2nd May 2011)
Today I should have cooked a wholesome meal and made sure the boys had at least maybe three portions of fresh fruit and veg.
Today I should have worried about world peace and that particularly unpleasant situation that’s flared up in some far flung corner of the globe.
Today I should have climbed a mountain, swam the entire length of the Amazon and popped to the Antarctic before the ice caps melt.
Today I should have telephoned my friend who’s sick, wrapped and posted a birthday present and replied to that email I got two weeks ago.
Today I should have tidied that cupboard, recycled my cardboard, cut out those coupons and written a shopping list so I don’t forget to buy the toilet rolls again next week.
Today I should have practiced flying on the trapeze and learnt Ophelia’s lines from Hamlet. I should have baked that cake with icing and a cherry on the top!
Today I remembered to breathe. I did one load of washing but left the ironing. I fed the boys pasta for the third day in a row.
Last week I left the dishes in the sink and post unopened on the table. I forgot to charge my phone and I was only 14p in credit.
The month before I couldn’t do the crossword without you and I woke up in a panic at ten to twelve worried I hadn’t locked the front door.
Six months ago you were here to change the light bulbs and shut the gate at night. You were someone to impress with my culinary skills.
Today I remembered to breathe. I spent time talking to the children. I visited your mum. I wrote a poem.
Today I made it, somehow I got through. I shed a tear. I thought of you.
P.S. I didn’t really feed the boys pasta three days in a row, it just felt like it.
P.P.S. If you are the one who didn’t get the phone call, birthday card or email. Please know that I am thinking of you.
Today I hope that my thought counts! x