Wednesday, 29 August 2012

A change in the weather?

Here's a post from the end of the summer holidays last year. After 6 weeks of doing very little I felt swamped by all the tasks I'd left undone.

Fast forward to this year and I feel that the days before me are a challenge, yes I've got lots to sort out, new ideas to try, decorating to do. This year I am stronger but also I feel less guilt, I don't apply so much self-imposed pressure.

I'm learning to wait and see what's around the corner insteading of rushing to fix my life and make things happen NOW!

(I've written a little poem today about that end of the hols feeling but I'm going to pop that on re-ravelling...)

However with all the changes some things forever stay the same ... the rainy summer weather!


Rainy Days (written 27th Aug 2011)

Yesterday was miserable, it rained all day and today looks like it’s going to be the same.  Summer appears to be over.

In a couple of weeks the boys will be back at school and maybe I can start to clear some of the clutter accumulated over the six week holiday.  The piles of “stuff” where I have emptied a bag or suitcase from our travels but haven’t actually put things away properly!

Then there’s the paperwork that has been mounting up needing serious attention and filing.   My brain has shut down and it’s time to start getting back into gear.

I’ve just had a few days by myself but they have not been as productive as I would have liked.  There seems to be so much to “do” - AGAIN – there’s a recurring theme here I know.  Don’t tell me to rest, I’ve kind of done that for six weeks; there are things than NEED to be done to restore some order in this chaos!

I’ve yet to discover what all the buttons “do” on the car.  Where’s Andrew when I need him to read the manual and teach me what’s what?  My workload has doubled!  

Perhaps it’s the new car that’s slightly unsettled me, it’s a big change and I still have some niggling doubts with no calm voice to allay my fears.  Actually we’d have been as bad as each other, each taking turns to offer reassurance.  It doesn’t matter how many people tell me my new car looks great, I can’t hear from the one person I need to.

It also hasn’t escaped my notice that the nights are already drawing in.  It is now dark BEFORE the lamppost comes on outside, another task - reset the timer.

I’ve never been aware before of how dark the evenings get in late August and it scares me that the year is suddenly passing quicker.

A few months ago time moved so slowly.  I remember when I wished the months would pass so I could get over things.  Now I know I never will.  My heart still aches, I still find myself crying and the passing of time hasn’t made everything easier.

Back in June I bought a new CD by “The Pierces”, I was going to use some of their lyrics in a post, “Seven months to the day since I saw your face.”  It was so apt and the timing was perfect.

Baby where’d you go?
Did you sail away over some distant ocean?
Darlin’ what we had
It cannot be taken, it cannot be stolen
And it won’t be forgotten
No it won’t be forgotten

Now suddenly we are nine months along the journey and I’ve just noticed the second verse after the chorus.

Summer disappears like a dream I had
And winter comes with a knife
That cuts you down
And it never ends, it never ends.

I don’t mean to be morbid.  Maybe I should find some happy music to listen to?

As winter draws ever nearer so does the first anniversary of Andrew death. 

Twelve weeks today.

Some people say the second year is harder when all the birthdays and special dates come round again.  They are already stacking up, Andrew’s birthday in 14 weeks; Christmas only 4 weeks after that and in between two special sons will celebrate another birthday without their dad.

I remember summers when they were little.  Once we got to September and being back at school I would start planning for Christmas.  Would Andrew be home or away and where would we spend Christmas and New Year?  I liked to be organised so other family could fall in with our definitive plans.  Mum would start asking what the boys wanted for presents.  I’d start drawing up lists and getting organised for my busy December.

Now I don’t know what to do for any of it!  Where to go or how to “celebrate”.

I hate to leave my post like this.  I always like to end on a positive note.  Today is just too dreary, damp and depressing.

Maybe if the sun shines later I will add another happier comment…

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