The day after the funeral we went for a family walk by the beach and despite the cold I was happy, well as happy as could be expected. We were together as a family,
my parents + my "in-laws" = our family
It felt so good, it was the love Andrew and I shared that had brought this strange group of people together on a blustery day.
This year, unusually, I've managed to keep a diary for the whole year, well until my world was turned upside down. Last year I only made it until March 22nd and I know without finding last year's diary because on that date it says "if I write past here I'm doing better than last year!!"
"What are you writing in your diary today?" Andrew would ask as we went to bed. "I know - how about 'another wonderful day being married to Andrew'?" He would suggest with glee.
Well I did write that, on his instruction, on Monday 14th June. Also on that day the cleaner had been here and hoovered while I did some tidying. Andrew had taken our oldest son to his tennis lesson, I'd had a school governors' meeting and then I'd chatted to a friend on Facebook.
Just another ordinary day of married life, so beautiful yet so taken for granted that there would be many, many more...
My last diary entry is from Tuesday 23rd November, our family walk.
"Went for a family walk - even Andrew's mum in her wheelchair. Bracing, cold, stormy with bits of brightness and a snatch of a rainbow as we left the beach, getting brighter, some hope for the future."
Yesterday I had my flood! The waste pipe for the shower was frozen, the shower tray filled up and I made my correct diagnosis. I decided to have a bath and then maybe the rush of hot water when I pulled the plug would melt the ice and all would be fine...
....it wasn't! When I let the bath water out because there was no escape it came back up out of the shower plughole and flooded my bathroom floor and then dripped down into my kitchen!!
To make matters worse, from all my extra washing of heavy, sopping wet towels my washing machine has packed in! I've already made the decision to cancel my Christmas plans because of the weather. And my back is aching from an intermittent, undiagnosed problem.
I had an facebook message from a friend who said she's read the blog and thought I was doing really well, she would have crumpled in my position.
Well I've crumpled and cried and it's been by writing that I regain my sanity and perspective.
And then there's all the love I receive from friends and family. My "sisters" from church came round last night and brought our tea, I had a foot and hand massage, I'm typing this with beautiful coral coloured fingernails. They also took my baskets of washing. They are part of my beautiful rainbow, wrapping us up in God's love.
This really is the most difficult time I've ever had to face but I know deep down I am not alone and "one day" I will see all of the beautiful rainbow encircling me because they are really round and complete circles. We saw then in New Zealand when we flew in a small aircraft over Mount Cook.
"Sarah look!" Said Andrew pointing out of the window. It was amazing to look down on the world from on high and see things from a different angle together. Just another one of those wonderful days being married to Andrew...
I'll leave you with some song lyrics that I'm clinging to while waiting for my promised rainbow to fully appear....
Though the storm appears too much to take
See the clouds are beginning to break
Though you feel like you've fallen from grace
There's a rainbow been forecast your way
It's time to let go of all your pain
It's time to let go of all your pain
For the winter winds left you so blue
With a dose of the sun you'll get through
By the time that the cold's died it's death
You'll be warm with a spring in your step
Words by Andrew Patrick, Let Go from the album Nils Olav by Nils Olav