Saturday, 29 October 2011


My friend posted this picture on her facebook page the other day.  

The first four words you spot in the word search are supposed to describe your personality.  There is no scientific logic as to why this would work but for fun I decided to give it a go.

  •  1 – Naïve
I admit I don’t always understand rude jokes, although I sometimes pretend I do.  Also I like to see the best in people and am therefore very trusting, so yes I’ll accept naivety as one of my characteristics.

  •  2 – Sweet
I am definitely a girlie girl who subscribes to the theory that “little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice”.  So that gets a tick as well although I am not sure when I was last called “sweet”.  Probably when I was seven.

  • 3 – Dramatic
My hair was once more auburn, my temper more fiery and I must admit I love being the centre of attention putting on a show.  Big tick there then.

  • 4 – Dependent
Hmmmmm!  Here I stopped and stared at the word before me.  Could I choose another?  This was just a game after all.

  • 4 – Thoughtful
Whether pensive and dreamy or always considering others it was a much better description and the one I settled on.

Dependent made me sound needy and not self-reliant.  It implied I couldn’t survive on my own and here I am nearly a year gone by without Andrew, managing and coping, solo and independently.

Actually maybe the word was INDEPENDENT and I had missed the first two letters.  I checked and regrettably I had been right the first time.

The word DEPENDENT stayed lodged in my brain, niggling away, worthy of more consideration. Ultimately sparking off another post on the blog!

For years I have been dependent on Andrew, most noticeably financially.  In fact I am still dependent on Andrew’s pension and thoughtful forward planning in this area.

But he provided so much more than material security.

Emotionally he was my rock, sometimes a bit crumbly and then we supported each other.  However there were plenty of occasions when I needed his strength and wisdom guiding and sheltering me in my naivety.  Reassuring me and still loving me despite my failings and doubts.

Practically he was in charge of the D.I.Y., getting rid of creepy crawlies, cutting the grass, securing the best insurance quotes and doing anything that related to the computer, broadband, Wi Fi…

He was always proud of my ability to deal with stuff while he was away but then I always loved him coming home and being able to rest once more in his dependable arms.  OK so in reality it didn’t work like that all the time.  He hated it when I couldn’t cope with something he thought trivial when he was away.  Similarly when he came home and didn’t help me and wasn’t the strong one it caused tensions.  At the end of the day we were dependent on each other, needing each other’s strengths to balance out our own weaknesses.

So where does that leave me now?  Independent?

The more I thought about it the longer the list grew of people I am very dependent on.

I’ve long held onto the strength of my own personal trinity of family, friends and faith.

I truly believe God has put me in the place he wants me and has surrounded me with the family and friends I need for this journey.  They love me and care for me, holding my hand and cheering me on.  They don’t mind if I cry or ramble on or ring them at short notice with a request for help.  The love we share is reciprocated and I am only too willing to return the favour and be there for them too.

There are others I have been dependent on this year – the professionals.  I still see my GP on a regular basis and she has been able to assure me that I am normal; my feelings are all part of the grieving process.  I have a financial advisor who has sorted out the money side of things and accountant who’s helped with the tax forms.  Without them to understand the financial jargon I would be in a complete muddle.   Then there’s my estate agent who has offered his good experienced advice about my house sale.

The hardest thing is actually finding people you can trust and depend on.  When you discover them you hang on to them like gold dust.

It’s a cliché but as John Donne put it, “no man is an island”, no woman either, we all need other people.

I had a picture the other day of standing on a rock, but not just any rock one that runs through to the centre of the earth and the beginning of time.  That rock is God - solid and dependable.

I was looking for a passage about God being a rock and found Psalm 40.  In one of my many Bibles these verses are underlined and starred.

You let me stand on a rock
With my feet firm
And you gave me a new song
A song of praise to you.
Many will see this,
And they will honour
And trust you, the Lord God.

Verses 2 and 3

Maybe being dependent isn’t such a bad characteristic after all; it’s just a matter of where you place your trust.   

This year my dependence on God has grown amazingly, I still have a long way to go but I can imagine him smiling as he holds my hand.

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