Monday, 24 October 2011

Ulterior Motives

I can’t believe that my weekend away was over a week ago.  I’d been looking forward to the “me” time for so long and now it’s been and gone!

The last week has flown by.  I haven’t had chance to look back over the notes I made or even had the opportunity to contact with any of the lovely ladies I met.

On the literature it said that we would make friends with people who truly understood.  They did but everyone lives so far away from me I’m not sure if I’ve made any long lasting friendships.

The real problem is I had an ulterior motive for going away.  I wanted to meet someone special on the weekend.  Not just another “girlfriend” to empathise with but I had visions of meeting a widower in a similar situation to me and for something special to develop.  I saw this as an opportunity to meet someone who would understand this journey and we would be able to rebuild our lives together…

My imagination was working overtime because the weekend was run by a couple who had met at a similar event and there is another blog I follow written by a man who again met his second wife at one of these weekends.  So to me it made sense to be “looking” or at least keep my eyes open.

A week before I went I had a phone call from the husband of the host couple, just to go over a few details.  When he met his wife he hadn’t been intentionally looking but I enquired, did anyone come along wanting to start a new relationship, after all that was what one of the seminars was all about.

“It’s not really for that.”  He replied.

When I asked just how many men were going he said only two.

My heart completely sank after that phone call and I must admit I cried myself to sleep that night convinced I will never meet anyone and hating the loneliness.  "I don’t want to be on my own forever", these words kept going round and round my head as I tossed and turned.

Even though the chances were remote I still tentatively held onto my romantic notions.  I tried not to think about it but just maybe one of the men was just right for me and my reason for going.

Although both seemed lovely men they didn’t set my heart a flutter.  I hardly got chance to talk to either of them anyway as they were in a different group to me.  Probably a good thing for all concerned. 

The weekend was beneficial for so many other reasons, I certainly enjoyed being surrounded by other “singles” and having time and space for me.  We were made to feel special by the attention to detail, a card and chocolates in our room when we arrived and a gorgeous meal on the Saturday evening with wine, flowers and candles.

This is not the first time I have written about wanting to find someone new.  Andrew and I always joked I’d find a toy boy next time!  Well he was six years older and statistically men die younger than women, we always thought it would happen this way round but never imagined the day would arrive so soon.

It’s not that I am looking for a replacement for Andrew.  I am realising more and more that no one can ever fill that gap.  Hence “looking” for a widower who will comprehend that Andrew will always be an important part of my life.

I’ve not just lost a husband but my best-friend and companion, someone to laugh with, share secrets and dreams with.  Someone to love me and someone for me to love and support too.

When I was away we had to fill in a sheet of “loss and change”. 

·         What did I lose when my husband died?
·         What am I now not able to give my husband?
·         What shared hopes and dreams did we have that have been lost?
·         How has my life changed since my husband died?

I’d never written it down like this before.  I’ve covered the same ground in my blog but this made it all so real and emphasised my loneliness.  Here in black and white were the reasons why some times I have little or no motivation.

In some ways it seems not much has changed.  I try and keep everything ticking over in an orderly manner to give stability to the boys, the way I usually did when Andrew worked away.  I accepted months ago that this time he was never coming back and now I have to also accept that I may have to be on my own for a while.  For longer than I would really like.

Friends are kind and say that I will meet someone new “one day” when I am least expecting it.  Who really knows if I will?  What if this is it?  Or this is the way things will be for years to come?

There were people on the weekend that had been alone far longer than me.  And what of my single friends who have never found love?  At least I have the boys to keep me going, along with many happy memories.

It’s something I have to face and come to terms with as much as any other part of this grief.  At the moment that is what I am struggling with the most; rebuilding a life with three where once there used to be four.

Ultimately rebuilding me as a single person embracing the loss and the change.

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