I've just found what I wrote a year ago (pre-birthday blues) - it is so depressing, I really hate the first few days of February when I'm waiting with dread for my birthday to arrive.
I was so ANGRY then but I don't think I realised at the time. It's only now reading back over old posts that I can see it so clearly.
I don't feel in a much better place now, I've been fighting with the boys over homework and tidying up.
"You're not the tidiest person." retorted oldest son and it is so true.
There are many untidy corners in this house and still I am here typing, unsure if I will ever let you read it.
I share so much and maybe I give away more than I intend.
Do you see through me? How thin is my veneer of bravado?
Being a single parent is the toughest job I've ever had and having 2 children pulling in different directions leaves me frazzled.
Andrew never wanted more than two, "one for each hand," he said.
Or one each to pacify if there are two of you.
This is when I miss him most. This is when I need another grown up point of view. Two against one just isn't fair!
We are all tired tonight, we've had some late nights recently, youngest son slipping into my bed and then chatting to big brother when he passes through the bedroom for his shower. I love to hear them, hoping they will always be there for each other, always close.
Not this evening, too many recriminations and arguments over who could sit at the kitchen table to do their homework. So it's an early night all round - tomorrow is another day, hopefully a brighter one with a lot more laughter and a lot less tears.
Just another blip, another bump in the road that is family life. Every family is the same however the set up, it is never easy but ultimately so rewarding.