Friday, 13 January 2012

Thirteen again

One year and two months to the day since Andrew died.  I’m not usually so precise these days.  In fact I have entered a strange period where I can no longer legitimately say it happened “last year”.  That fateful day is drifting further into the distance and I’ve now been a widow for a very imprecise “just over a year”.

Today is the thirteenth and you can read all about what I think of the number here from what I wrote last year. 13 is just a number.

Today, an ordinary day by all accounts and yet…

Both my mum and my aunt have suffered with breast cancer and several months ago I filled out a form to have my genetic history looked into.  Last month I had an appointment where I was told my likelihood of also developing cancer is moderately higher than average.

Today I had an appointment at the breast clinic.  I thought I might finally be getting the expected mammogram and I can’t say that filled me with joy – I’ve been told your boobs get squashed and it hurts!

I went to the appointment by myself – some things have to be faced and I’m not unduly frightened by the process.

I did however deliberately wear the chain with Andrew’s wedding ring on – I knew whatever happened I wasn’t truly alone.

In the end I only received an examination and was told everything felt fine – I have “nice soft tissue” apparently.

An appointment for a mammogram will be sent soon and then I will get one every year until I am 50 and picked up by the usual screening programme.

More waiting, more hanging around and uncertainty.  It would be so easy to work myself up into a state but with each step that unfolds I become calmer.  If there was any real concern they would investigate immediately.

I heard some wisdom on the radio the other day from Chris Evans and I jotted it down,

“If Fear knocks on your door get Faith to answer and they’ll be nobody there.”

I also read today that there are 365 “fear not”s in the Bible, one for every day of the year  (I hope one more is found  - 2012 is a leap year!) 

So on this Friday the thirteenth remember not to be afraid.

I may have quoted it before, but it’s worth repeating what God has to say in Jeremiah chapter 29.

“For I know the plans I have for you … they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

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