One year and two months to the day since Andrew died. I’m not usually so precise these days. In fact I have entered a strange period where I can no longer legitimately say it happened “last year”. That fateful day is drifting further into the distance and I’ve now been a widow for a very imprecise “just over a year”.
Today is the thirteenth and you can read all about what I think of the number here from what I wrote last year. 13 is just a number.
Today, an ordinary day by all accounts and yet…
Both my mum and my aunt have suffered with breast cancer and several months ago I filled out a form to have my genetic history looked into. Last month I had an appointment where I was told my likelihood of also developing cancer is moderately higher than average.
Today I had an appointment at the breast clinic. I thought I might finally be getting the expected mammogram and I can’t say that filled me with joy – I’ve been told your boobs get squashed and it hurts!
I went to the appointment by myself – some things have to be faced and I’m not unduly frightened by the process.
I did however deliberately wear the chain with Andrew’s wedding ring on – I knew whatever happened I wasn’t truly alone.
In the end I only received an examination and was told everything felt fine – I have “nice soft tissue” apparently.
An appointment for a mammogram will be sent soon and then I will get one every year until I am 50 and picked up by the usual screening programme.
More waiting, more hanging around and uncertainty. It would be so easy to work myself up into a state but with each step that unfolds I become calmer. If there was any real concern they would investigate immediately.
I heard some wisdom on the radio the other day from Chris Evans and I jotted it down,
“If Fear knocks on your door get Faith to answer and they’ll be nobody there.”
I also read today that there are 365 “fear not”s in the Bible, one for every day of the year (I hope one more is found - 2012 is a leap year!)
So on this Friday the thirteenth remember not to be afraid.
I may have quoted it before, but it’s worth repeating what God has to say in Jeremiah chapter 29.
“For I know the plans I have for you … they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”