Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Wednesday revisited

If you follow re-ravelling as well you will know how I have been feeling slightly out of sorts, like a wave of grief has once more crashed around about me.  I am trying hard to rise above the latest storm and eliminate the negative thoughts that can so easily spiral out of control.

I suddenly remembered a post I'd written last year.  Some things can change dramatically in the space of a year while other thoughts and moods come round time and again to haunt us. Anyway after reading this I am convinced the my present mood is more determined by time of year and day of the week. This too will pass and soon my sparkle will be re-instated!

I'm in a "Wednesday Mood"!

(originally posted 5th Jan 2011)

I don’t know what it is about Wednesdays but my flatmates at uni (poly – whatever!) used to know to steer clear of me if I was in a “Wednesday mood”.

I put it down to it being the day slap bang in the middle of the week, the furthest point from the weekend.  Although maybe it was the lasting ill effects of double PE at school on a Wednesday afternoon.  Not my favourite subject, all that trauma of being picked last because I couldn’t throw or catch a ball!  Or the reasons could go even further back.  I was born on a Wednesday and it somehow made me feel unsettled.  Why couldn’t I have been “fair of face” or “full of grace” instead?

I’m biting my nails as I type, something I rarely do these days but some of them have started to split and I’m neatly nibbling them to the same length – a definite sign of a” Wednesday mood”!  Slightly self-destructive, slightly quirky or maybe just plain odd!

Wednesday, in my married life, was changeover day.  The day Andrew would leave or return from off shore.  I was either relieved he had gone and I had a chance to get the house in order – i.e. do things all my way!  Or I was euphoric he was back home safely.

It’s a funny time after Christmas and I was originally going to call this blog entry “Post Christmas Blues” but it didn’t seem to fit everything I wanted to say.

Like most people I’ve been putting away the tree and taking down the cards.  Only my cards are a mixture of Christmas, boy’s birthday and sympathy cards.   It was the sympathy cards that adorned my walls this year.  The Christmas cards barely got a look in, just a few stood up where I’d opened them and left them haphazzardly.  The sympathy cards well and truly outnumber all the rest, although I haven’t made a final tally.  I really need to sit down and go through every one properly.

Then there are the Christmas letters.  I don’t know if it’s because of the disrupted postal service or because of my personal circumstance but I haven’t received as many as usual.  Maybe people don’t think I want to hear their “happy” news - but I do.  I read of 3 deaths on Facebook today, only one person I knew, the others were friends of friends.  Then I heard of a birth – I was elated at some good news for a change.

I was never one for writing Christmas letters.  December is far too busy a month.  I would instead wait until the New Year and write a New Year one.  I remember last year sitting in the kitchen with my laptop, shutting myself away from the plasterer and decorator who were working on the hall, stairs and landing.  The house was a total mess, Andrew was away and then there was a day it all got too much I wanted my house back to myself.  I broke down in tears on the phone to Andrew telling him I couldn't cope – it was probably a Wednesday!!

I was looking forward to writing this year’s letter.  We had done so much to the house and had some special days out.  Memorable times that I hope will last a lifetime for the boys.  2010 had been a good one and I was eager to share the simple things that made us smile.

The fact is I’m still going to write a letter, there’s too much I want to say to let this one pass.  Next year’s will be so different.

I’ve got the old calendar and last year’s diary to help me remember what I have to write.

That’s the other job you have to do with a new year, hang up the new calendar and write your important dates down for the coming twelve months.

Andrew would have been 50 this November.

“Shall we still have a party?”  I asked youngest son who wandered into the kitchen as I was working.

“Yes!”  Was his very definite reply.

I NEED to plan some special dates, I NEED to think of how we celebrate and mark the inevitable anniversaries.  I have a few ideas up my sleeve but wonder if I have the courage to carry them out!

What’s missing on the 2011 calendar is the lines I drew they lasted for two weeks, from a Wednesday to a Wednesday.  They were the fortnights when Andrew was away.   Letting me know I was on my own with the boys for those two weeks.  My way of telling if he was home or away and the pattern to which I planned everything.

Today is a Wednesday.  It’s the day the line should end and it should read “ANDREW HOME”.  Oh what a homecoming after being away for both Christmas and New Year
No - not really - he’d probably have been straight on the computer to check his emails!

So am I in a “Wednesday mood” today?   It would be so easy to finish this entry off by saying yes and leaving it at that…

…but I still feel numb and like there are still so many emotions bottled up inside which will burst out at unexpected moments.  Today I’ve been busy and tomorrow I’m busy, with new things, different things, a fresh start.

I have had very little time to myself to stop and think until I started typing but this morning I had half an hour on my own where I was dancing round the kitchen, tidying up with the music turned up really loud.  BLISS!

So I will end as I often do with the song lyrics that jumped out at me today.  The song is Joy Ride by The Killers.  Maybe it sums up those twelve fresh pages on the 2011 calendar?

There’s something in the distance
A glorious existence
A simple celebration
A place we’ve never been before. 

Or maybe it means... who knows, maybe we all have to figure that out!

I’m off to find my nail file now and try and salvage my ragged nails.

                                                       Happy Wednesday everyone!
At least this year I have good strong nails, filed not bitten.  But the New Year letter has been given a miss in favour of up dating the blogs.
Anniversaries have been celebrated and have gone and we now look forward to the things 2012 has in store.

Thanks for your continued encouragement.

1 comment:

  1. I have just found your blog and have been reading through your posts.Your writing is lovely and so descriptive I have been captivated by it.